On Tuesday, December 13th, 2022, President Joe Biden signed the Respect for Marriage Act codifying same-sex marriages at the federal level. The very next day, we ended a 12-week series on the topic of marriage in my church. I am not one to believe in coincidences, so the timing struck me as providential. As one of the most powerful countries in the world affirmed an improper view of marriage, we, as a church, were reminded of one of the fundamental truths of Scripture: marriage is a heterosexual union instituted by God. Meaning that, from a Christian perspective, marriage is not just any civil union made in the presence of friends and family but a spiritual commitment made in the sight of God between one man and one woman.
But how do we know this? How could I possibly say something so controversial? Because, to quote a famous kid’s song, "The Bible tells me so." Scripture ought to inform our beliefs, not popular opinion, regardless of what is signed into law. In fact, understanding how God has fashioned the different roles for a man and woman within the context of marriage ensures that the husband and wife will have a rich and rewarding life together. Failing to do so erodes the very idea of marriage, undermining spousal relationships everywhere.
So, if you will, I’d like to show you how a proper view of marriage can meet three fundamental needs.
Firstly, marriage helps to address humanity’s isolation.
In the book of Genesis, we read how God created a being totally different from Adam when the Lord saw that he was lonely (cf. Gen. 2:18). He did not make another male to fill his void, but a female. This woman not only looked at the world in unique ways, but also, she was physically distinct, and this “otherness” brought joy to a lonely man (cf. Gen. 2:23). Isolation was the first need that God met for humanity, and he solved it by giving us the gift of marital companionship. Within the confines of marriage, spouses save each other from feeling isolated. Adam was no longer the odd man out. Like all other creatures (cf. Gen. 2:20), he had a perfect complementary partner to call his own.
Now, with the advent of Christ, loneliness and isolation can be resolved through a person's relationship with Jesus. You no longer need to be married and build a home in order to feel fulfilled in this life. We have all that we need in Christ. In a fantastic turn of events, rather than being commissioned to "make babies" (cf. Gen. 1:28), the Church has been sent into the world to "make disciples" (cf. Matt. 28:19). Humanity’s primary function has been so transformed that Paul wished that all people were like him—i.e., “single”—so that they might have more time to devote to the Church (cf. 1 Cor. 7:7-8)!
When I first read that, I thought, "Paul, you're nuts! You might like being single, but to me, singleness is a living death!” In fact, if the Lord hadn’t given me my lovely wife, I would’ve gone looking for someone to marry like Adam Pontipee in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. I doubt the outcome would’ve been as entertaining or musical. This is why I'm so thankful that Paul goes on to explain that singleness is not for everyone. It is a “gift from God.” And in those cases where singleness is not an option, the apostle urges Christians to get married (cf. 1 Cor. 7:9).
But, putting Paul's exception aside, I still think my first point stands. While somewhat different in the church age, marriage is still a viable option for those who are lonely. In God's eyes, he does not want anyone to be lonely. He even sent his only Son to ensure that, even if someone were unable to marry, they would still be able to have the most extraordinary relationship of all.
Secondly, marriage helps to address a man’s limitations.
In Genesis, we're told that rather than use the dust of the ground (as he did with all other creatures, including man), God used one of Adam's ribs to create Eve (cf. Gen. 2:21-22). Why use a bone, though? Because the wife was made to be a "helper" (cf. Gen. 2:18) to her husband. Just as a rib supports the body, so was Eve created to support Adam. Okay, but in what way was she to help? Well, as we've already discussed, she filled the void of loneliness. Adam was limited and could not fill that need on his own. He needed another—i.e., Eve.
Personally, my wife helps to address my own limitations. For instance, I'm the so-called "spender," and she's the "saver." Money burns in my pocket, begging to be spent. Money grows moldy in my wife's pocket, multiplying exponentially. Not to mention that I tend to be far too matter-of-fact, whereas my loving spouse is empathetic. Case in point, my kids know that, for dad, “sympathy” is Latin for “defect.”
Interestingly, the apostle Peter addresses how a wife can help address her husband’s limitation in his own epistle (cf. 1 Pet. 3:1-6). But rather than explaining how a wife fills the void of loneliness, as with Adam, or how my own wife ensures our bills get paid and our kids know the concept of love, Peter talks about a wife's ability to address her husband's unbelief. It's a shocking and tender depiction of how a wife can help their husband overcome their spiritual limitations.
Peter tells his sisters in Christ that they ought to behave in such a way that their unbelieving husbands would be “won”—that is, persuaded to God’s side—by their “respectful and pure conduct” (Pet. 3:1-2). In essence, Peter said, "So your husband won't be won over by God's Word? Well there is hope. If great words won’t work, you might be able to win him over with good works.”
Peter illustrates his point by comparing a woman’s apparel to her attitude (cf. Pet. 3:3-4). He tells believing wives that, rather than adorning themselves with accessories such as braided hair, jewelry, and clothing, they ought to accessorize with a beauty that does not perish by exhibiting “a gentle and quiet spirit.” The apostle explains that this latter adornment is "very precious" in God's eyes; which is to say, it is very costly, expensive, or valuable to the Lord. Thus, while perfect hair, fancy clothes, and expensive jewelry may catch the eye of some admirer, a conduct that is tender and calm elicits a commendatory look from God. In other words, a wife’s behavior around her husband catches the Lord’s eye, not the trappings and trimmings.
Admittedly, this truth could just as quickly be leveled at men. How many guys are caught up in their possessions—i.e., car, house, hobbies? But Peter highlights this principle for women: God prizes virtue far above vanity (cf. 1 Tim. 2:9-10). Why? Because the woman who cares far more for what God thinks will be well-equipped to speak gospel truths into her husband's life. She will be highly effective in addressing her husband's limitations and supporting him in an area he didn't even know needed help.
Lastly, marriage helps to address a woman’s vulnerability.
While not explicitly addressed in our primary passage in Genesis, the Bible does speak to a woman's limitations just as it did for a man's. And specifically, it addresses how that marriage is a means by which husbands can help to offset their wives' vulnerabilities. In fact, in our passage just quoted, right after addressing wives, Peter addresses husbands by saying, “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Now, it should come as no surprise that this verse has caused more than a bit of controversy throughout the centuries. However, before passing judgment, we must first understand the first-century context in which Peter wrote to see if it applies to our 21st-century context.
Peter lived during an era where the Greco-Roman ethos dominated the world. And in Greek culture, women were more or less viewed as property with little to no rights of their own. The only other group who had it worse would’ve been slaves. So, if a woman wanted to have any shot at a good life, she would have to marry. But even this wasn't without cost, as once she married, a woman’s entire identity would all but be eliminated by her husband’s identity. So much so that a married woman wasn’t allowed to have friends of her own, and she would even be expected to adopt her new husband's religion.[1] You can imagine the controversy this would've caused in a home where a wife became a believer, and the husband remained an unbeliever. Some unbelieving husbands went so far as to divorce their Christian wives because a conflict of religion in the home was thought to bring judgment from the gods.[2]
In such a context, we can now better understand Peter’s admonishment to husbands that they live with their wives in an “understanding way,” which is to say, a man ought to be considerate of his wife—i.e., to take note of the cultural biased against women. Not only that, but the apostle also encourages men to make sure they show their wives “honor,” a thing not readily given to women at this time. And Peter explains that the husband should do those things because women are the “weaker vessel,” which is NOT to say they’re inferior or of lesser value (cf. Gal. 3:28). Peter even says wives are fellow "heirs" with their husbands. What the apostle meant was that wives are more vulnerable in this life than husbands.[3] This concept of a husband caring for his wife is so important to Peter that he warns husbands that if they fail to be sympathetic towards their wives, their prayers will be "hindered." God does not want to hear, nor will he answer, the prayers of a husband who does not look after his wife (cf. 1 Tim. 5:8).
So, in a first-century world ruled by men, it was the husband's job to ensure their wives were not exposed to those who would do them harm. They were to be their wife’s protector and their strongest advocate. And while today, women are allotted far more protections than their historical counterparts, it is nevertheless true that women are still more vulnerable than men. For instance, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, “1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence…."[4] And, sadly, this unevenness also extends to the financial realm, as "the majority of the world's poor are women."[5]. Men are still paid more than women.[6] This imbalance extends to the athletic world as well. Even though the decathlon has been a part of the Olympics since 1912, women still aren’t allowed to compete in that event on the world stage! Thankfully, there’s some already at work trying correct that oversight.[7] But the disparity between men and women is still very much a problem today.
How much violence, hardship, and inequality would be erased if men cared for women the way that godly husbands ought to care for their wives? What would that even look like? Again, the Bible is our guide. The Apostle Paul explains what it looks like for a husband to care for his wife when he wrote the letter to the Ephesians. And rather than paraphrasing Paul’s words to cut down on my word count, the passage is worth reading in its entirety:
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Ephesians 5:25-33 (ESV)
Paul shows us that, far from being a dictator, the husband is supposed to be like a savior. A man is expected to sacrifice himself as Christ sacrificed himself for the church. In this way, the husband can be viewed as a messiah-like figure who comes into his wife's life and rescues her from the world. To be sure, he is NOT her actual Savior. That title belongs to Jesus Christ alone. However, in following in the footsteps of the Savior, husbands can be a savior by rescuing their wives in various ways by lovingly providing for their needs in this life. They can keep their wife's vulnerable sides secure.
So, what does all this mean?
Though the world would redefine marriage, the Word shows us that marriage, as God designed it, serves multiple functions and meets various needs. Wives, from the beginning, you have been made to be in a supportive role in the home. Husbands, from the start, you have been made to be in a defensive position in the home. Therefore, dear Christian spouses, you must view each other as partners, friends, and co-laborers in your family, where each of you serves a vital yet distinct role: the wife as a supporter and the husband as a savior.
Strong is the marriage where the husband looks to care for his wife as if she were his own flesh, and the wife looks to support her husband as if her very life depended on it.
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[1] Davids, Peter H., The First Epistle of Peter, The New International Commentary on the New Testament, (Grand Rapids, MI; Eerdmans Publishing, 1990), p. 115.
[2] Jobes, Karen H., 1 Peter, Baker Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament, (Grand Rapids, MI; Baker Academic, 2005), p. 203.
[3] Davids (1990), p. 122-123.
[4] https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS
[5] https://www.oxfam.org/en/why-majority-worlds-poor-are-women
[6] https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2021/05/25/gender-pay-gap-facts/
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