May 7, 2022 – Stephen Sapp
Editor’s Note: Thanks to the on-the-scene
eavesdropping (aka ease-dropping) of a local
citizen we shall call “Ben” of Baltimore
County, Maryland, this entirely-too-detailed
dialogue is available to our readers.
Rob Johnson: (on cell phone) Honey, I just don’t know about going to church tonight. (Pause) Well because the preacher is always so negative. I mean Sunday morning he preached on the reality of both eternal destinations and Sunday night I’m pretty sure he mentioned sin or something like that. I don’t go to church to hear about all that negative stuff. (scratches ear) I mean, doesn’t he care about our emotional and mental health? He certainly needs to get with the times. Anyways, we pay his salary, shouldn’t he preach what we want to hear? (pause; scratches ear) All right well we’ll have to talk about this later. I’m at the doctor’s office for my appointment. (pause) Talk to you later. Bye.
(Rob walks into office and stands looking at the newspaper on the coffee table in front of the middle chair; the other two chairs are taken; left chair by sneezer and right by cougher)
Rob: (standing and looking at newspaper; speaking to himself)
Orioles win again. How about that? (Guy comes walking
scratching his entire body, trips, and falls into Rob) Oh
excuse me sir. Are you alright?
Innocent Patient #1: I’m fine. I just tripped trying to get by. Sorry,
this chickenpox is driving me crazy! (continues scratching, walking out of room)
Rob: (Sitting down with newspaper) Chickenpox? I don’t think
I’ve ever had that. (Looks at arm and begins scratching entire body and ears) Oh great. I better have the doctor look at this before I leave. (Looks at newspaper again, still scratching; Looks at man on left) So, are you an Orioles fan?
Mostly Innocent
Patient #2: (Box of tissues in hand; turns and sneezes on Rob) No, I’m a Yankees fan born and raised.
Rob: (Disgusted, wiping himself off) Ugghhh. That’s disgusting. The team and the…Ahhhchu!
(Rob is now scratching ears, body, and sneezing all at the same time.)
(Frustrated; Turns right and takes deep breath trying to calm down; person on right turns towards Rob and coughs in his face.)
Rob: Alright, that’s it! I’m going to see the doctor right now. I
can’t wait any longer or I might die.
(Not realizing death is not contagious, Rob walks toward stage right; Rob is scratching body, coughing, and sneezing; lights seem to fade out due to multiple light bulbs malfunctioning ironically at the same time)
(Time passes, lights flicker back on as Rob walks back towards stage left/office)
Rob: I can’t believe this place. I walk in looking like I do. My
body covered in chickenpox. I’m sneezing and coughing
all over the place, and all the doctor tells me is that my eyes
look fine. Of course, my eyes are fine, they’re the only thing on my entire body that is!
(Talking to other patients in waiting room)
That doctor is a quack! He’s a quack I tell you! This whole
place must be a box of quackers!
(Calls wife on cell phone; angry and frustrated)
Honey, you will never believe what just happened to me at the doctor’s office. While I was waiting, I ended up getting even sicker and the doctor looked right past my sickness and looked at the only thing on my body that wasn’t ailing. It’s like he skipped past the negative and focused only on the positive. (Pause; still frustrated) What does church have to do with this? (Pause) That’s different, this guy’s a doctor, not a pastor. Doctors deal with life and death situations. This is serious!
(Rob walks off, slamming door, still talking on cell phone...and still scratching ears.)
THE END.
Editor’s Note: The name in the introduction has been changed to protect privacy. Any resemblance to actual persons or Middling bloggers, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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